Life as a Special Needs Parent is More Challenging and Yet Fulfilling Than I Expected
It all began when my daughter’s childcare teacher told us one day she suspected that my daughter might have learning difficulties. I didn’t believe her. I thought she was just a childcare teacher and no expert on this.
But after she said it repeatedly, I was fed up and sent my daughter for a checkup just to prove her wrong. Instead, my lifelong learning journey as a special needs parent started from there.
The diagnosis
My girl was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) at the age of 3. Before Primary 1 the doctor had assessed her as borderline on the spectrum. Thankfully I knew a friend from Pathlight who recommended her colleague to do one-to-one intervention with my girl. She needed treatment three times a month, which could amount to two thousand dollars a month!
After the final assessment, it was deemed that my daughter didn’t need to go to a special school and could join the mainstream with support. My husband and I concluded that we wanted our daughter to have a chance in a mainstream school, so we agreed.
Struggling in school
My daughter’s eye contact and communication skills weren’t the best, but she had a bubbly personality and did alright with friends in school. However, her learning skills were slow and she needed a lot of support. I tried guiding her in her studies myself, but it was difficult. I got very frustrated and my patience soon burst.
One time I really flipped the table. She didn’t want to study or do her homework and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I flipped the table. It was a small table, but my husband told me off after that.
“If you’re stressed,” he said, “Don’t vent it on your girl.”
That’s when I realised it would be better if I looked to others for help.
In the second half of the year, I managed to find her a tuition teacher. I started her on just Chinese tuition, as I didn’t want to stress her too much. She was still in P1 after all; I would let her learn slowly. The following year I increased the tuition to cover English and Math, but she still struggled.
I knew I couldn’t do much because I didn’t know how to teach her.
“Read the guide book and then write down the important points,” I said.
She literally copied everything from the guide book. Alamak. The book was so thick. If she copied it to the end, her hand would break!
Finding the right help
I’ve been very busy, thinking about how to help her in her studies without pressuring her. I know that if I continue to teach her, our relationship will diminish, and it’s not worth it in the end, so that’s why I outsourced it to a tutor.
It’s important for self-care as a special needs parent, and not to worry so much, because it’ll turn out alright in the end.
Even in finding a tutor, I realised that not all tutors had the patience and the kind of heart to help my girl. I had gone through several tutors who didn’t last. Fortunately, towards the end of the year, her Chinese tutor had open slots for English and Math.
It was like 缘分 (yuan fen), fate. I’ve already booked this tutor to teach my girl in secondary school. She has seen my girl grow through the years; she really deserves a long service award.
I can tell my girl really likes her.
She would ask her, “How are you?” and “Have you taken your dinner?”
My girl may not be so attentive, but she’s very sweet. She knows what her friends like and don’t like. Our Student Care Facilitators would probably have experienced such things with some children at the centres too.
Special needs children may not seem very expressive, but what they do can surprise you in nice ways.
Overcoming challenges
Come P5 things got very challenging. She didn’t do well for P4, but it was recommended for her to continue in the standard stream, so we thought to just let her try. But by the end of the first half of the year, she started to switch off.
She was curling her hair and daydreaming, taking no interest in her studies. Her eyes kept landing on the same page, but she didn’t study it. It was “on and off” and I constantly had to check in on her. But the more I pushed, the more she would give me a blank stare.
Kids are all different.
Some kids can be pushed, while others, no matter how you push them, still won’t budge. That’s how it was for my girl’s studies. She needed motivation. So we switched her to the foundation stream.
Now in foundation stream, she does well.
She even tells me, “Mummy, my favourite subject is Math!”
She really likes studying now— maybe except Chinese, but we’re taking it slow, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Family comes first
Every school holiday my hubby and I will spend quality time with her, like eating meals together, watching her favourite Among Us videos and laughing together. She really enjoys it.
She likes to do diamond art. I started out doing it with her, but now she does it all by herself. We’ve tried painting, sewing, needle felting and even cardmaking for Teachers’ Day, but she doesn’t like to stitch and pick. Diamond art is still her favourite— and the very “bling” kind.
Wendy and her daughter’s diamond art wall
We hang up her finished art pieces on the wall and now my home is full of it. She recently started figurine diamond art too, which is more challenging and requires very hard work, but it will keep her busy for the school holidays.
Wendy and her daughter learning to bake together
For her birthday some years ago, we had a baking and bento-making party with her school friends. It was a good bonding time for everyone. Even her friends’ parents who joined in told me how much fun they had with their kids.
Encouragement for parents
I’m still teaching her life skills, like how to buy things and how to get around by herself, but I’m not as worried now as when she was first diagnosed. She still needs to go to the hospital for reviews, but it’s just a once-a-year thing.
For all that I try to teach my girl, I think my girl is the one who teaches me. I know my character is temperamental, so I thank God for sending her to me. She has taught me to have patience.
And beyond that, I think it’s not just about having patience.
I tell myself, “If I, as a mother, don’t help my child, who will?”
Whenever I get angry I remember this.
It’s the love of a parent that matters.
Any mum or dad with a special needs child needs to know this.
I don’t know what will happen in the future. She may have behaviours that are strange in others’ eyes, and depending on how other kids understand it, they might bully or make fun of her, or they may have been taught to be kind and look out for others.
I also teach her what to do if her friends do certain things that upset her. She must be open to me and tell me what’s happening in school so that I can support her.
Life as a special needs parent has been a great journey. It’s full of its ups and downs, but it is also really fulfilling in its own special way.
Wendy Bee
Corporate Services Executive
Morning Star offers The Incredible Years® Parenting Programme for parents with children aged 3 to 12 years with behaviour challenges
Morning Star also offers The Incredible Years® Small Group Dinosaur Programme (Child Therapy) Comprehensive for children with social, conduct problems, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and internalising challenges
Play Therapy helps children 5 to 12 years cope with fear, trauma and anxiety that they may be unable to express. Go to TherapySG microsite →
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